The BIG one, coming up.

Every time the fear. Every time the worries. Every single time.

We are up for an ultrasound tomorrow. The BIG ultrasound. With 20 weeks behind us and 20 to go I am still about to crawl into a ball and cry of nervousness. I am scared because I cannot for SURE say I have felt bean move yet. There is something going on in there that I think is bean, but I can’t assure myself that’s what it is.

People I’ve been talking to have looked at my belly saying, no way you are 20 weeks and you do not look pregnant. Which, I know I do, but every time I hear it I get worried and google pictures of other mothers as far along as me. That neither reassures nor helps at all. But I still do it.

In reality we listened to beans heart strong and sound less than 2 weeks ago. My belly is growing nicely and I do look pregnant, both in face and body. So, things should be fine. I know some mothers-to-be look forward to ultrasounds. I mostly want to get them over with. I love them, after the fact. Before, I am a nervous wreck. Not until bean is coming up on the big screen can I relax and shed a tear of joy and elation.

So we’re crossing our fingers and toes, saying our Namo Amithabas to calm the soul and wait…for tomorrow.


Welcome Second Trimester!

Out of the first looong (every day felt like a week) 3 months and full storm in to the second trimester. Today’s clinic visit was a relief, on more than one account.

First of all, it feels fantastic to have completed this milestone, as I see it. The first one was really making it out of the embryo stage, and now the second trimester. I am starting to enjoy the pregnancy a little bit more and I can feel my worries subsiding.

Second, I can regain normal physical activity. Best news ever! I can finally work out again. Not like I am used to, but at least 20 minutes a day. A little bit of walking, some yoga and water aerobics. Easy low impact stuff. I am seriously psyched. Looking forward to get my body moving and get back to feeling good and sleeping well. My life is just not the same without the movements. And, I can be intimate with hubby again! Life is back to normal.

Third good news, doc said I can travel. Like fly. Far. To see my family and friends this summer. I’m in ecstasy. Need to get my dose of European air and flare to remain sane.

Fourth, got to listen to beans heartbeat again. Every time they listen to the heart, I think back to my first experience with a fetal doppler. It was my first miscarriage. I came in at 10 weeks, and they tried to find the heart. It sounded like space in there. Empty space. There was nothing, no life, no blood running through veins. Just weird quirks, kind of like I would imagine outer space would sound like. Now though, it is such a lovely experience, and it always brings tears to my eyes. All the blood flowing, the liveliness and the little strong heart. It’s filled with life and I think it is one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard.

*doing a happy dance while crying tears of joy*

Doc also asked if I wanted her to schedule T-H-E ultrasound before my next appointment or if I wanted to wait. I said I can wait (surprisingly!). In the meantime I volunteered to give up some of my blood again for the second part of the downs syndrome screening.  Doc also told me all about the lovely shot I will be getting in my butt (!!!) week 28. Not looking forward to it, but I understand it is extremely important. Especially with my history. The joy of being RH-…. anything for you bean ❤