The BIG one, coming up.

Every time the fear. Every time the worries. Every single time.

We are up for an ultrasound tomorrow. The BIG ultrasound. With 20 weeks behind us and 20 to go I am still about to crawl into a ball and cry of nervousness. I am scared because I cannot for SURE say I have felt bean move yet. There is something going on in there that I think is bean, but I can’t assure myself that’s what it is.

People I’ve been talking to have looked at my belly saying, no way you are 20 weeks and you do not look pregnant. Which, I know I do, but every time I hear it I get worried and google pictures of other mothers as far along as me. That neither reassures nor helps at all. But I still do it.

In reality we listened to beans heart strong and sound less than 2 weeks ago. My belly is growing nicely and I do look pregnant, both in face and body. So, things should be fine. I know some mothers-to-be look forward to ultrasounds. I mostly want to get them over with. I love them, after the fact. Before, I am a nervous wreck. Not until bean is coming up on the big screen can I relax and shed a tear of joy and elation.

So we’re crossing our fingers and toes, saying our Namo Amithabas to calm the soul and wait…for tomorrow.

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