Big Boobs.

Two words I usually don’t get to say, not when referring to my own. They are not non-existent. Not tiny. But definitely not of any size. But now. These two swollen melons are popping out of everything. Instead of working hard with the push-up bras and low-cut shirts I now just throw on a bra or sportsbra and bam. Cleavage!

61. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently?

Days. 9 weeks and 3 days. About 214 days to go. 2nd trimester will start 5/22- 24 days to go. Time seems oh, so very long. A day seems like a week. Next clinic appointment in 7 days. Keeping my fingers crossed hoping for good luck and great news.

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Dream Your Life.

Dreams have always been an important part of my life. I love the dream world. It has always been taking me away from reality and giving me hope, inspiration and scared the shit out of me. As a non-pregnant woman.

Now, as a pregnant woman I am experiencing a dream world so vivid and fantastic it’s unreal. There are vibrant colors, meticulous details and extraordinary interactions and sensations. It makes the wonderful 10 times as wonderful and the scary just over the top. I have woken up in my own sweat, tears and screams plenty of times due to being cut open by a piece of glass or an intruder in the house.

But they are also funny. This morning I woke up giggling. In the dream, my husband wanted to help relieve my queasiness and started rubbing my belly and I farted. Really loudly and got so mad at him for making me fart. But as I woke up it was mostly hilarious. Good start of the morning.

60.  What are you naturally good at?

Sports. I’ve always been decent at most sports. Never great, but decent.

I want to sleep!

My days are like a rollercoaster. It goes up and then down. and then up and then down. And last night it was too much. All this waiting. My next appointment is in 2 weeks, from tomorrow. It’s been 1 week since we saw the little heartbeat, and it feels like an eternity.

I am so paranoid and scared. And the spotting doesn’t make me calmer. But they say it’s normal. I want to call the clinic every other day, but hold back. They already told me everything. They won’t give me a new ultrasound every other day, so I have to be patient and wait.

I try to stay happy and positive and strong so bad I get super tired. All I want to do is sleep. Go to bed tonight and not wake up until 2 weeks from now.

59. What do you need to spend more time doing?

Look for a new job. Not because I hate the one I have, but because I don’t think it is the perfect thing for me. I shouldn’t be sitting in an office. I don’t mind the computer-part, if it wasn’t 40 h a week… I need to be outside, to be moving and to interact with people. We’ll see. I do know that if I get stuck in an office I will end up a bitter, hunchbacked bitch. Guess that has its charm too 🙂

And I need to spend more time NOT judging people so freaking much. Person in the office I just can’t stand at all. He is extremely arrogant and think he is the most important guy in the world… sorry, had to vent.

Once Upon a Time…

Once upon a time I knew my body. I knew what it was thinking, what it wanted to do and what to do to keep it happy. This pregnancy has kicked all that to the side. This new body is in constant demand and it is really difficult to please it.

Last night for example, I learned that I cannot cook. The mere thought of cooking something throws me in a nauseous spell. During these spells I have learned it is best to lie down on my left side and munch on crackers. And Ginger Ale.

I also learned that when hunger pocks, the nausea won’t go away. And when the husband is not home. I have to make something. As I barely made it to the kitchen I was thinking about what seemed the most appetizing at the moment. Toast. And banana. What a lovely combination. My new go-to food. I’ve also learned that apple slices (have to cut it first, just can’t bite a piece out of the whole thing) dipped in peanut butter works well. As do oranges.

Combined with crackers and Ginger Ale I seem to get all the nutrients I need, right?

 

58. What are you glad you quit?

I’m glad I quit… [As I was thinking I got preoccupied with a scar on my arm. It looks just like a heart]… have I ever quit anything? Nothing to be proud, or glad of. I guess I’m glad I quit looking for love in the wrong places. Or just looking for love over all. When I stopped looking it just came to me. Guess you have to be ripe to achieve.

Nausea.

Nausea. It’s a hate-love relationship.

As sick and miserable as I am feeling I’ve never felt before. On the other hand the happiness and excitement that comes with it is hard to beat.

I hate the constant intense nausea. All I want to do is eat salty crackers and lay down on my side. Sitting at a desk at work is ridiculously un-inspiring. At the same time I am extatic that I am feeling miserable because I wasn’t close to this in my other pregnancies…. so it’s a good sign.

And then the worry. My worries has stilled some because we did see a heartbeat (!!!). On the other hand we got 5 more weeks until the first trimester is up. 5 l-o-n-g weeks. I am continuing to eat my folic acid and sending happy thoughts to the belly. I realized that’s really all I can do. And taking care of myself, of course.

57. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you truly enjoy today?

I did not like to shower. I hated taking showers. Today I can truly enjoy it. I still think it’s kind of boring at times. But every now and then I truly enjoy it.

The First Ultrasound Visit

Today was the day… the first ultrasound.

We get to go in early because I am spotting and because of the history. Guess if I was scared as heck going today. If my husband hadn’t been with me I don’t think I would have walked in. Two times have I been with the ultrasound tech and twice have they not said anything and wished me a happy day.

Today I was staring at the screen. Luckily our tech was nice. She explained that first of all she is not even looking for a baby but taking measurements of the uterus and stuff. Then she listened to my heartbeat. The other techs have never done that. I had a pulse of 108- yeah I was nervous as hell.

Then she turns on a little tv and shows us the fetus and a heartbeat. 128 beats a minute. It was so miraculous and beautiful. I started crying of happiness and relieve.  This is so far the best start we’ve ever had. Our first heartbeat. ♥

First Check-Up

Had my first check-up yesterday morning at the clinic. They were all very happy to see me again, so it was a warm welcome and a lot of  happy wishes. The visit had both some potentially good and potentially bad news. The potentially good: My uterus measured 6-7 weeks along, which means it’s on target and just where it should be.  The potentially bad: My blood pressure was a little bit elevated. And the spotting.

I was ordered to continue thinking happy thoughts. And an ultra sound. So hopefully they will call from the ultra sound place soon so I can get a time to come in and see what’s going on.

They also sent me to the lab to do some bloodwork. Since I’ve had 2 miscarriages they ordered some extra work to see what the heck is going on with me. As I was waiting in the lab I heard the nurses call out color after color: 4 blue tops, 2 frozen, 4 purple, 2 pink etc. That’s a lot of vials I thought… and then they called my name.

I walked in and laid down (just can not sit up and have blood drawn), slightly nervous. Guess my shock when the nurse came up with 16 vials…SIXTEEN!  A shit ton of blood. Now I’m eagerly waiting for the results.

57. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger?

The worst thing that happened so far are my miscarriages. I’m not so sure it made me stronger… just more aware of the fragility of life.

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