DNC… and my heart stopped for a second

Received an e-mail from one of my bosses a couple of seconds ago. It was titled: DNC procedure.

My heart stopped and flashbacks were running through my head. It stands for Do Not Call, not Dilation & Curettage… but those letters just have bad, bad memories. As I am practicing meditation I am learning to not let the thoughts affect me. Instead of hanging on to the negative thoughts and spinning on them, I observe them as they arise and as they pass. My mind is calmer and my heart happier. Hopefully those positive rays of energy are transmitted to the growing fetus. Because we’re one, the two of us.

55. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

My little baby. They say I am 6 weeks along, although I’m thinking 5 since my cycle is a little longer than the regular 28. More like 35.  I don’t care how old she/he is. All I care about is that she is happy with me (somehow I think the fetus is a she). 

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Two Lines and a Happy Face

Found a Dollar Tree store very close to our neighborhood. I laughed when I found it, because I’ve been in that area so many times. Been to the laundromat, been to the Goodwill. But I just never went to the end of the parking lot. Or else, I would’ve known all along. Could have saved me tons of trips through downtown, but that’s ok. Now I know.

Dollar Tree is my lifesaver. A pregnancy test costs, $1. Instead of paying up to $10 at the regular store. As I was looking for the Dollar Tree I read in a forum. A girl said she was not yet ready to be pregnant, because she couldn’t even afford to buy a pregnancy test at the regular store. Guess that’s true. Not sure how to spend the money to take care of a baby as well. But, from what I have learned when it comes to money, you compromise and it works out.

By the way, two lines appeared as I peed on a stick… All I can do is to enjoy and hope for the best this time around. 🙂

55. What should you avoid to improve your life?

Why should I avoid to improve anything? Improvement should be good, right?

Body’s acting weird- pregnant?

I feel funny. I’ve been feeling funny for days.

Two days ago I started to think- am I preggo…?

The more I think about it, the more paranoid I get. I feel every little thing in my body and I tribute it to me possibly being pregnant. Today was my first day of a missed period. Although that doesn’t say much in my case, since my period usually decides when to show up. It can be 5-10 days early or late. So that measurement isn’t a 100 percent trust-worthy. But still, there’s just something about my body that isn’t normal.

So what’s wrong with me? How nice of you to ask.
I’m hot, temperature-wise.  My stomach is acting up. I fart a lot more than usual. Heartburn. Higher pulse faster. Lack of appetite. Uneasy sleeping. Lots of peeing…

As soon as the dollar store stack up on tests I will be wondering. WAY to expensive at other stores, and I don’t have the time to go to planned parenthood when I work. Until then, I’ll live in uncertainty.

54. What do you wish did not exist in your life?

I don’t want to remove anything. There is nothing terrible nagging me and wearing me down. My life consists of both roller coasters and plain roads, just like every yin has its yang.

That Time of the Month

I want to get pregnant. I want to have a kid. Do I? Do I really though? What about all the things I want to do, the things I want to see. Well, you could see that with a baby. Would make it a little more challenging but not at all impossible. You traveled when you were a kid, a lot. Why not repay that favor to your child. True. But what about our motorcycle ride? We can’t take a kid on a motorcycle… Well, look at it this way. You are working for money to have roof over your head. You don’t get any time off. The time off you do get you probably want to spend with your family since you never get to see them…. so, are you really going to travel anyway?

And on it goes. My conversations with myself…. One can get schizophrenic for less. But I think I established that having a kid/not having a kid is not the point. I think I can do what I want to even with a kid. And I can probably not do what I want even without a kid… so maybe now is a great time? Maybe not. I guess biology comes into it to. Whenever biology says here’s your kid. I will gladly welcome it.

This is what occupies my mind at this point in the cycle. You know, between the murder weeks (when it feels like someone is cutting your ovaries up with knifes), at that point where you feel super attractive, close to zit free and no bloating whatsover. The week when biology tells you, hey it’s time for babymaking….

53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

I cry. For a little bit. As I am crying I think about all the things I should be lucky for. Then I cry some more because I miss friends and family. After I felt sorry for myself and all my misfortunes I usually feel better. Think that time to myself, to empty out and have a hearty cry is good for me.