A Lovely Visit

I visited the monastery today. It was a lovely visit.

Spent the morning teaching English essay to one of their students. Then we enjoyed lunch and I was introduced to their winter retreat lunch rituals. I felt slightly out of place in my grey sweatshirt and an unusual tall appearance. But I did my best to be as quiet as possible, read the sutra and follow along. During the winter retreat they have silent lunches so we read the sutra quietly to ourselves. Then we eat and cherish the food as we do so. It was a calming, almost meditative, meal.

The afternoon we spent walking, talking and working on History homework. Quite a terrific day. I am looking forward to beginner class meditation, a possible Chinese class and some more tutoring come 2012.

23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love,health, fame?

Difficult. I feel like at least three of them are attached to each other. But since I see one as a goal and the other two as important means to get there, this is my ranking:

1. Happiness
2. Health
3. Love
4. Money
5. Fame 

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A World of Ignorance

Watching the TV show 30 Days. This episode is about an “all-American” comfort-indulgent, ignorant couple that live off of way more than they need to. They are visiting a sustainable community for 30 days and have to abide by their rules. They are not doing all that great and I get frustrated for their ignorance. And for the fact I know a lot of people are ignorant, especially about such “distant” things such as climate changes and the need for us to live more sustainably. Good thing is that the couple is much more open-minded at the end of the episode. Good ending.

18. Which activities make you lose track of time?

Crocheting and working out. And photography. Basically, all my hobbies makes me lose track of time. And I enjoy every lost minute of it.

19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made?

In a way, say yes to marriage. Because whether you want to or not, it changes your life.

20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?

That too, is saying yes to marriage. No matter how much I don’t like the constitution of marriage, it means the world to me to live with my husband. Now, I could have lived with him forever without getting married, but marriage gives you an extra security. It’s easier too trust someone when you know they are officially committed for the long haul.

21. What are you most grateful for?

My parents. For bringing me up the way they did and inspiring me to be who I am today.

22. What is worth the pain?

Getting pregnant. I am constantly debating whether or not I want to get pregnant again. Because there is a chance it will not work this time either, and I am not sure I can go through a third miscarriage. I feel psychologically strong, but I am scared that it will break me down and put me in a depression. At the same time I want to carry a human being in my belly for 9 months, give birth and do my best as a parent. So I think  it is worth it. If I ever get that lucky.  When i get lucky.

Holiday Babies

Why does everyone seem to be pregnant around the holidays? No matter where I look I see big round baby-bellies. At times like these it seems like everyone can get pregnant, except me.
And I don’t like the fact that I am jealous, bitchy and think it is unfair.
WHY can I just not be happy for them? Instead of feeling pity for myself?

I’ve altogether been pregnant for 14 weeks. They were some good weeks and I was so excited of what was to come.  What was supposed to come.

Keeping my fingers crossed for next time. 3rd time is a charm I’ve heard… I want a holiday baby!

Baby Dust and Happy Holidays to everyone.

Secure Candy Making

After a late evening PIYO session (which was phenomenal), some steamroom and whirlpool I am finally at home making vegan candy caramel. My first time trying on a caramel candy. It should now set for 5+ hours… so we will see. But it looks good so far!

17. What makes you feel secure?

My husband. He is my rock. He holds on to me when I am about to hover off into space.

Speaking of husband. Last night I had an interesting dream. A dream that ensured me I’ve made the right choice. Or at least not the wrong one.

In my dream I was married to my ex. We had been married for a couple of months, but it was the first time we actually saw each other for about a month. I was talking about him with one of my old crushes that was scolding me. He questioned how I could marry a guy that treated me like he [my ex] did. Did I really want to live like that forever?
As me and my old crush were talking my ex came up to us and ordered me not to hang out with the guy. Not to talk to him. He started bossing me around and making the decisions for me. I grew quite upset and ran off to my best friend.
Me and my friend talked for the longest time and I was thinking about why I had married him in the first place. All I felt toward him was disgust, anger and hopelessness. I knew that I never wanted to have a kid with  him, because I didn’t want anything resembling him in my life.
As I started thinking about kids in my dream I asked myself who I had been trying to have babies with the past couple of months. I knew I had tried and miscarried, but I could not remember with whom.

I woke up confused. Looked over to my side and was relieved when I saw my actual husband laying down next to me. Then I knew who I wanted a baby with. Then I really knew how happy I am with the choice I made.

Rants to Remember

Here is a short, very short, rant. I try not to complain about things/people/what have you. BUT this one always bugs me, for reasons I do not even know. It bugs me when people say they are vegetarian and then they go on to eat chicken or fish…. That is not being a vegetarian. A vegetarian is someone who does NOT eat meat. And last time I checked both chicken and fish were meat.

I don’t like to categorize myself. Or anyone else. But right should be right. So there it is.  My rant.

16. What do you want to remember forever?

Um. Everything.
Especially the hard times. My reactions to them have shaped who I am. And I don’t want to forget. Don’t want to take such things for granted. Instead I want to remember the hardship and how lucky I am to have/or will have moved forward through it.

Three Contemplations

13. What are you scared of?

That I might never be able to carry and give birth to a living being.

If someone would have told me I could never have a kid 4 years ago, I would have said: phew. Good. Now can you make my period go away? Now even the thought of it scares my heart frozen. The selfish part of me want a someone created of my and my husbands genes. A perfect little being.

14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

Throwing far.

As a competitive [former] athlete I spent the last year worried I would fail. I did not want to let myself and my coach down. Now, I threw far. But I think that if I did not fear the failure as much, I would have thrown further. Is it a big deal? Life changing? No. But it is the reason to why I am still wanting to throw on a competitive level.

15. What will you never give up on?

Life. 

No matter what happens. Which is easy to say, but I do mean it. I will never give up on life. Life is such a beautiful journey that evolves every second. And I never know where it will take me. Where I will take it. Life is my choice.

Where are the Friends at?

12. What’s been bothering you lately?

That I don’t have any real friends here. And that I don’t want to seek them out. 

I am happy in who I am and my life in general. But at times I feel so lonely. Not the same loneliness I used to want to feel in high school. But another one. One that is not chosen.

I enjoy the people at work. But I rather not see them after work.
I feel too pressured with the girlfriends of my husband’s old friends. And to be honest, they are just not my type.
At the gym I am too focused on me. And I just HATE talking when I workout. That is my time. MINE.
The only people to ever really talk to me are guys. And I am done with talking to guys. Because since I came to America, not one has been honest with “just-being-friends”. Actually I take that back. Two of my best friends are guys, so two [but they are too far away].

So where do you meet people? Where do you meet people you can become friends with?

I think I might know the answer. You get out there. And do things.

So, come 2012 I will start going to the monastery for weekly meditation/Buddhist class. I am planning on signing up for a writing class in the library (if it’s on appropriate days). And I want to start playing soccer- but there are no teams nearby. want to start playing soccer, but I can’t find any teams nearby.

Hopefully there is someone within those groups that I am compatible with. Or not. We shall see.

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